Day 1

Pulling you head out of your ass to see everything around you has changed and not for the better is extremely difficult.  Oddly enough I was given a work assignment to read a book called Switch – Change when change is hard.  It was as if even though my boss was several hundred miles away, she knew.

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life this year that I love.  I am learning how to deal with loss, while finding myself, breaking this cycle, figuring out the “why’s” to prevent them from ever coming around again and trying to repair my wife’s broken heart.

I can only help her, by fixing what is broken….me.  Once she sees I am working hard and improving; once I prove to her that this isn’t a short term fix for a long term problem, that this is a long term fix to give us the future we vowed to each other not so long ago.

Today is day 1 to finding myself, fixing myself and loving myself.  I know that may sound selfish but how can those around me love me if I do not love or even like myself?

Loves:  Waking up to my wife, hearing her snore, puppy cuddles and cat drool, quiet Sunday mornings, hearing my wife’s laugh/giggle, seeing her smile, her hugs, her sweet kisses.  I love that she spills everything on the front of her…she can’t help it, it just happens.

Dislikes:  Not remembering things short term, not sleeping, depression – everything aches and hurts, hurting those that I love and hold so dear, loss, not having support when you need support the most and knowing the reason they are not there is because of you, unhappiness

 

 

Daddy Cuddle Time

It’s evening time and after dinner sitting on the love seat I find myself once again surrounded by fur.  Bonnie is on the arm of the love seat to my left and Brody on the couch right up against me keeping me warm.

I’m fairly lucky to have this time with them as well as with my fiance.

Earlier this week I was feeling great, life a year ago was vastly different and I feel very blessed for all that I have in my life today.  This week was very tough, I got very little sleep and my work schedule was extremely hectic.  Still no excuse not to think before you speak or act and unfortunately my actions hurt that of a friend.

As soon as I realized what I had done, I immediately apologized for my actions to both parties.  I never expect to be forgiven for my mistakes but one can only hope and pray.

Never did I expect for days to go by and not hear a word from you.  I get that you are angry and you have every right to be but not a word?  It’s been 3 damn days!!!  If I did that to you, you would be furious, in my face telling me what an ass I am and how fucked up it is to treat someone like that.

To me it feels I am being written off, that my feelings do not matter but I do matter and my feelings are real.  I did not intentionally set out to hurt you. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes.

Each day I do not hear from you, hurts that much more.

Tired Tuesday

Appropriately titled, today’s post is about exhaustion setting in.  Just when I thought I could go to bed early last night; did not go to bed as early as I originally had thought.  But I was hopeful to get a good 7 hours of sleep yet I woke up every hour for 4 hours last night.

Tonight I hope to at least sleep through the night without waking up every hour.

It’s been a long day, very long few weeks and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

I need to start scheduling life; IE. my workouts and quiet time for me.

Now it’s time to go sleep!

State of our union….

Old Post from January 2010

So last night we did Wii Active Fitness exercises.  Our first set was not quite 20 minutes long; Heather was suffering from a migraine but she was a trooper and powered through it to break a sweat anywho!

So while she went on to cook the chicken to with the salad for dinner I did more exercises and burned more calories.

It really didn’t feel like I was doing a work out but I’ve always been told just get your body moving; so I did the dancing and the tennis and the boxing and the basketball.  It was easy and fun.

Tonight neither of us were feeling but we kept to our promise to each other and worked out again.  Tonight we did Upper and Lower Body Toning with Jillian and the Biggest Loser contestants on the Last Chance Workout DVD, Heather got me for Christmas.

We aren’t shedding tons of pounds like they do but we are able to do the exercises easier than the first night and our breathing is getting better.

PROGRESS!

I feel accomplished.  I am able to do more push-ups and control my breathing better.  I feel the burn and I don’t want to throw up anymore while I am working out.

Next workout is Friday night before friends come over, then Saturday we get an outdoor work out of sorts.

The Art of a tattoo

I got my first tattoo in Baton Rouge, LA in 1997 on what should have been my honeymoon.  It was of a Tenor Saxophone.  It was cute but the guy that did it put my music notes on backwards – ugh!  I was 21 and naive and best part is I can have it fixed bigger and better!

My second tattoo was kind of a spur of the moment trip with my best friend Stacy.  It is a “pride” colored tattoo – looks like an Aztec sun.  I would love to have that one done over again – maybe someday I will have a cover up done on that leg.

My third tattoo I researched it for quite a while as I wanted an armband that I could wear with great pride.  I got a tribal band that I love with colors that I thought fit very well and meant something to me.

The 4th tat was a statement – I wanted something bold, bad ass, my inner bad ass was wanting to scream – so I found a few tribal designs I liked but I only liked bits and pieces of each, so I took it to an artist here in Md and he drew it up and I think it is awesome.

My 5th and 6th tat’s were blue stars – one on each wrist.   Historically speaking, Lesbians from the ’40s and ’50s would tattoo blue stars on their wrists. These tattoos could be covered by watchbands during the day and displayed at night (at clubs and such). Many lesbians choose to honor the history with blue stars of their own.

I wanted to get mine to do just that; honor those women who came before me; who endured so much just to give me the opportunity to live my life as I do.

I have grown and now identify differently but I respect the heritage and I am glad I have them.

I have a growing list in my head of tattoo’s I’d like to get and I know it freaks my parents out because they and the rest of my family think I have too many as it is.

After my roommate and friend Eric passed away; I knew my next tattoo was something that reminded me of him.  He had more of an impact than even I realized.   He used to tell me “life is a ‘drag’ and he was the QUEEN of it!”

I am looking forward to this tattoo a LOT – not only because I need an “ink” fix but because I want this closure to my healing process.

For me ink is a form of art; an expression of self, fat, thin, old or young it is there telling a story – the story of you.  It’s a beautiful thing baby!

Health, Wealth and Frustration

So my sinuses aren’t much better but significantly that I don’t want to have to call the doctor to then have some cat scan done which will cost me a fortune.

I want to get started work on my teeth and all the stuff I need done there; again – don’t have the money to do so – so instead I have figured out how to smile without showing upper teeth if possible.

So to get healthy I either need to be so poor I am on assistance or I need to have lots of money to afford all the co-pays and crap because insurance will only cover so much of my dental work.  So I am going to have to take out a loan the size of a down payment to get things done..OI

So frustrating trying to get healthy, and to be wealthy I have to save money and I can’t do that if I am paying out the nose to get shit taken care of so I can get healthy!

WTF?

For the love of food

So I was reading on facebook and found a link to the C25k app for the iPhone and thought it was cool.  It’s called Couch to 5k – it is a beginning plan for those that want to start running.

I think there is a sense of pride for those who run and a sense of freedom. 

I do not have an iPhone so I googled it and found the website so that I could print out the program and read through it.  Sounds easy enough.

So I asked my best friend; what do you think of this idea – his response was “are you asking me a direct question?”  – which is his code word for – can you handle the truth of his response?

Well I thought about it for a minute and said “shoot” – he wasn’t mean, he was honest based on knowing me and my habits.  He’s concerned I will hurt myself if I start doing this or I will get frustrated when I can’t complete the program in 9 weeks.

He then said something that struck a cord  – he said “You have a love for food” and then said it wasn’t a bad thing it just makes losing weight that much harder.

He’s right, I do love food.  I even love vegetables too.  I can tolerate fruit in a smoothie but I do have an undeniable sweet tooth.

So how does one go about re-programming their brain and taste buds so their “love of food” isn’t so overwhelming a statement.

Mind you now a days with the medication I am on – I can eat maybe half of what I used to be able to in a setting.  So I eat smaller meals or smaller snacks more often during the day.

My goal is to be able to run a 5k with my sister someday.  I’d also like to be healthier and off most of my meds before I get married in October of 2011.

Long time no blog

So two snow storms, two rounds of a cold, and long work nights later; I figured it time I sat down to ramble on a bit. 

We survived 2 blizzards within a week of each other dropping over 2 ft of snow each time.  Lots and lots of shoveling so I was able to get a work out at least out of it.  After the last one though I got a cold and then I gave it to Heather and then I started to get it again.

So we haven’t worked out in a few weeks now; frankly when I get home I’m tired.  The LAST thing i want to do is work out.

Talked to a friend of mine this morning and found out she had spent the night in the hospital after getting hit by a car.  Yes I said a car!  Holy Crap!  Yes she is okay; luckily nothing broken, no internal issues, just lots of bruises and soreness

–From March 3rd

State of OUR Union…

So last night we did Wii Active Fitness exercises.  Our first set was not quite 20 minutes long; Heather was suffering from a migraine but she was a trooper and powered through it to break a sweat anywho!

So while she went on to cook the chicken to with the salad for dinner I did more exercises and burned more calories.

It really didn’t feel like I was doing a work out but I’ve always been told just get your body moving; so I did the dancing and the tennis and the boxing and the basketball.  It was easy and fun.

Tonight neither of us were feeling but we kept to our promise to each other and worked out again.  Tonight we did Upper and Lower Body Toning with Jillian and the Biggest Loser contestants on the Last Chance Workout DVD, Heather got me for Christmas.

We aren’t shedding tons of pounds like they do but we are able to do the exercises easier than the first night and our breathing is getting better.

PROGRESS!

I feel accomplished.  I am able to do more push-ups and control my breathing better.  I feel the burn and I don’t want to throw up anymore while I am working out.

Tomorrow night our workout is cleaning the house and preparing for company on Friday..and if anyone knows me knows I will work up a sweat doing it too!

Next workout is Friday night before friends come over, then Saturday we get an outdoor work out of sorts; we are going Snow Tubing up at Liberty Mountain.  Outdoors breathing fresh air, moving around, being active people; spending time with friends being active.

Sunday we shall rest or play more Wii; who knows haven’t really planned that far ahead yet..lol

Now I am off to bed to rest and recover as my lil sister blogged about needing to do and considering i’ve got a few years and A LOT more lbs it’ll take longer for me to recover..lol

Wednesday Blah’s

Wednesday is supposed to be the day that we are all excited for because it’s hump day and the weekend is almost here.  Frankly I’m so worn out between being down 2 people at work for the last 3 days and being busy as HELL and the puppy at home that I could sleep 7 hours and it STILL wouldn’t be enough.

We did out work out on Monday and as I posted in my status on FB it got a little “airy” in the room with our yoga and downward dog poses..lol  But it was fun.  Seriously the next day we were sore…from doing YOGA??

Tonight was Last Chance Workout night; 5 minutes of warm up and them 30 minutes of circuits between cardio and free weights; then 5 minute cool down. I stayed on the beginner and when my wrists wouldn’t let me do some of the last cardio, I ran in place instead continually moving my arms and legs to keep my heart rate up.

I was exhausted prior to the work out and exhausted after but I’m glad we did it.  I don’t think either of us really wanted to but neither of us wanted to chicken out on the other so we did it.

Every other day work outs – this weekend’s workout is “in” the gym doing lots of cardio work outs.

Well it’s off to la la land for me; time to get some sleep “hopefully” we wore out the puppy enough so he won’t wake us up crying in his cage as much tonight…*keeping fingers crossed*